ANXIETY
I struggled with anxiety for years. Struggle may be the wrong word to use. If something consistently beats you down and renders you feeling helpless and hopeless, I’m not sure there is much of a struggle there. But like one of those old inflatable punching bags, I always bounced back up. Ok, maybe bounce is the wrong word, too. I crawled slowly back up. If you knew me then, you probably had no idea. I could smile, sing, and make my best attempt at something only slightly resembling dancing on stage at a local theatre and not have a care in the world; but at night, in the comfort of my own home, I could feel like my heart was going to stop at any moment. So much of anxiety is wrapped up in the fear of the next bout of anxiety. I could laugh and joke with the best of them, but the darkness would eventually come again. It wasn’t logical. And yet, the fear was almost debilitating at times.
One time, I had an anxiety attack at the top of a slide at Hurricane Harbor. I’ve flown across the Atlantic Ocean more times than I can count. After that incident, at a water park of all places, things got bad. I remember one time in 2011, I was in a boarding line at DFW, about to get on a plane to go to Romania for a ministry trip, and an overwhelming feeling came over me, “I can’t get on this plane,” I thought to myself. The thought rolled around in my head over and over again, tormenting me as I waited to lock myself in to a claustrophobic, metal tube for the next nine whatever hours. I got on the plane. It all worked out. I would spend the greater part of the next decade with severe anxiety when I got on airplanes.
I’ve prayed, gone to therapy, taken medication, swam laps in a pool…I’ve had good days and bad days. I’ve gone to urgent care, the ER, and spent a lot of time Googling symptoms. I was so stressed out, I was losing weight…and if you know me, I don’t have a lot of extra weight to be losing. That created a vicious cycle. I wasn’t eating enough, which made the anxiety even worse, which made me unable to eat well, and so on.
I haven’t had anxiety like that for a long time now. At one point in my life, it felt like it would never end. I couldn’t imagine what life would be like without anxiety. Thankfully, after a long road, I’m to the point now where I have difficulty even remembering what that anxiety felt like. It left so quick, but took so long.
Everyone is different. I’m no expert…I can only share what I’ve seen on the path that I’ve walked. I think sometimes anxiety is a spiritual issue. Sometimes it’s a psychological issue. Sometimes it’s a physical issue. In my case, I think it was probably a little bit of all three. I can’t give you a recipe of how I got well. I made some changes in my life. I did start taking some supplements, which helped a lot. I started eating more. I wish I had a magic three step plan for you. I don’t. I’m not sure that there is one. Life is messy.
We joke and laugh with people every day and have no idea of their struggles. I’m thankful for a wife and mom and brother who didn’t think I was crazy. That sure helped me. If you’re dealing with a situation that seems hopeless, don’t give up. There is hope. It may not be easy, but there is help to be found. If you know someone who trusts you enough to share their struggles with you, don’t be quick to give some thoughtless recipe for success. Some healing is instant. Some healing takes time. Some tunnels are darker than others. Some tunnels are longer than others. But keep moving until you get to the light.
